Randomness and some pics

I've been having more pity parties. I'm trying SO hard to stay positive and optimistic but why can't things happen the way I want them to?! Is that me just being greedy and selfish?  I have literally cried every night before finally going to sleep for the past 3 days.  I'm just not an emotional person so I'm not liking this whole crying thing.  Keith and I were talking during my first little crying episode and like I tried to tell him, I feel like a failure of a woman.  Women are supposed to be fertile and have babies and I am just not feeling very optimistic lately.  If any of you know my husband in real life, knows he is the most laid back, easy going guy there is.  He doesn't have a whole lot to say with "deep conversations" but as I was telling him how I felt like such a failure, he just held me and said, "You are far from a failure.  Anytime you feel like that just go look in Preslei's room and know that you CAN have beautiful kids.  If it isn't meant for us to have another child, then we will be a family of 3."  All I could do was cry and say, "I know".  I may not tell him enough or show it enough, but my husband is my rock.  While I do know I'm not a complete failure because I am just ever so blessed being Preslei's Mom, I want Preslei to have a sibling.  I know it's probably premature and I'm being pessimistic as always, but I just have this sinking fear that I'm not going to be able to get pregnant.  I don't know why I feel like that but I do. 

I know SO many pregnant girls or women that just had babies that I need a 3rd hand to count them on.  Am I jealous.....heck yes! I want to be one of the ones that updates their blogs or Facebook status to the weekly baby updates.  I am one of those women who absolutely LOVES being pregnant.  I love everything about it except for that waiting period until you reach 12 weeks.  I never once complained about being pregnant like you hear some people do.  But.....I may be jealous but I'm not resentful, I am beyond excited for each and every person I know.  My cousin that lives in Jacksonville just had their 3rd baby and while I wish we would have been pregnant at the same time like we were before with her 2nd and my 1st, I couldn't be happier for them.  I cannot wait to get my hands on Miss Raylie!

I think what makes me feel like this is that stupid little app on my phone that I enter in my temps every morning and it tells me when I ovulate.  Last month, we had sex the day before I ovulated and I didn't conceive.  I know I need to stop comparing this TTC round with the first but I do.  We conceived Preslei on a Monday night and I ovulated that Wednesday so why didn't I conceive last month? and....that stupid little calendar stares me in my face every morning when I enter my temp.  I'm worried because I ovulated on the 24th last month and the 29th in April and per my calendar, I still haven't ovulated.  C'mon ovaries, you gotta work with me!

Well, enough of Amanda's pity party of one. 

On to some positive things.  I have had the best time with Preslei lately.  She is starting to get so big and actually enjoy going shopping with me.  We have been so busy the last few weekends and she has been in absolute Heaven.  She is getting to the age now where she doesn't want me going to work and is wondering why I can't stay home and play.  My response is, "Don't you want to be able to go shopping with Mommy and do fun stuff? Well, Mommy and Daddy both have to work to be able to buy you things."  So, basically, I work to buy her clothes and toys, LOL, (in her mind). 

I am in the process of redoing her bedroom.  I've always been a fan of "diva" things like zebra and hot pink ANYTHING but as she is getting older, I want her to be that sweet, innocent little girl.  Zebra and hot pink just scream DIVA and SASS.  When we switched her room (we changed her nursery room into the playroom and the spare room into her big girl room) I bought her zebra print bedding and accessories.  This decor is the more soft and sweet look.  I ordered some light pink and white toile bedding and I bought her a new nightstand and a mirror to hang above her dresser.  I'll be making (gasp!) some wall decorations and I can't wait to post pictures after I've finished.  I have been on a mission this weekend buying things for her room.  We bought the nightstand Friday night in Tallahassee and then I went to Albany on Saturday to buy the mirror.  (We were in Albany the weekend before on a playdate at the RiverQuarium...which is a must see, and found the mirror when we went shopping afterwards and didn't buy it)  Sunday was a "chill day" at home and then Monday, we went with the church to Zoinks (indoor bounce houses) and she loved every minute.  Days like that is when I would give anything to be a stay at home Mom. 

Here are some pictures I have taken within the last few weeks.  I realized I never post pictures so here we go!

 Hamming it up at Mellow Mushroom...6/25/2011 (Mommy & Preslei date)

 May 19, 2011

 Preslei and Hayley at Mellow Mushroom...6/18/2011

 Helping Daddy drive the boat :o) 5/29/2011

Enjoying her first time on a boat! 5/29/2011