Randomness and some pics

I've been having more pity parties. I'm trying SO hard to stay positive and optimistic but why can't things happen the way I want them to?! Is that me just being greedy and selfish?  I have literally cried every night before finally going to sleep for the past 3 days.  I'm just not an emotional person so I'm not liking this whole crying thing.  Keith and I were talking during my first little crying episode and like I tried to tell him, I feel like a failure of a woman.  Women are supposed to be fertile and have babies and I am just not feeling very optimistic lately.  If any of you know my husband in real life, knows he is the most laid back, easy going guy there is.  He doesn't have a whole lot to say with "deep conversations" but as I was telling him how I felt like such a failure, he just held me and said, "You are far from a failure.  Anytime you feel like that just go look in Preslei's room and know that you CAN have beautiful kids.  If it isn't meant for us to have another child, then we will be a family of 3."  All I could do was cry and say, "I know".  I may not tell him enough or show it enough, but my husband is my rock.  While I do know I'm not a complete failure because I am just ever so blessed being Preslei's Mom, I want Preslei to have a sibling.  I know it's probably premature and I'm being pessimistic as always, but I just have this sinking fear that I'm not going to be able to get pregnant.  I don't know why I feel like that but I do. 

I know SO many pregnant girls or women that just had babies that I need a 3rd hand to count them on.  Am I jealous.....heck yes! I want to be one of the ones that updates their blogs or Facebook status to the weekly baby updates.  I am one of those women who absolutely LOVES being pregnant.  I love everything about it except for that waiting period until you reach 12 weeks.  I never once complained about being pregnant like you hear some people do.  But.....I may be jealous but I'm not resentful, I am beyond excited for each and every person I know.  My cousin that lives in Jacksonville just had their 3rd baby and while I wish we would have been pregnant at the same time like we were before with her 2nd and my 1st, I couldn't be happier for them.  I cannot wait to get my hands on Miss Raylie!

I think what makes me feel like this is that stupid little app on my phone that I enter in my temps every morning and it tells me when I ovulate.  Last month, we had sex the day before I ovulated and I didn't conceive.  I know I need to stop comparing this TTC round with the first but I do.  We conceived Preslei on a Monday night and I ovulated that Wednesday so why didn't I conceive last month? and....that stupid little calendar stares me in my face every morning when I enter my temp.  I'm worried because I ovulated on the 24th last month and the 29th in April and per my calendar, I still haven't ovulated.  C'mon ovaries, you gotta work with me!

Well, enough of Amanda's pity party of one. 

On to some positive things.  I have had the best time with Preslei lately.  She is starting to get so big and actually enjoy going shopping with me.  We have been so busy the last few weekends and she has been in absolute Heaven.  She is getting to the age now where she doesn't want me going to work and is wondering why I can't stay home and play.  My response is, "Don't you want to be able to go shopping with Mommy and do fun stuff? Well, Mommy and Daddy both have to work to be able to buy you things."  So, basically, I work to buy her clothes and toys, LOL, (in her mind). 

I am in the process of redoing her bedroom.  I've always been a fan of "diva" things like zebra and hot pink ANYTHING but as she is getting older, I want her to be that sweet, innocent little girl.  Zebra and hot pink just scream DIVA and SASS.  When we switched her room (we changed her nursery room into the playroom and the spare room into her big girl room) I bought her zebra print bedding and accessories.  This decor is the more soft and sweet look.  I ordered some light pink and white toile bedding and I bought her a new nightstand and a mirror to hang above her dresser.  I'll be making (gasp!) some wall decorations and I can't wait to post pictures after I've finished.  I have been on a mission this weekend buying things for her room.  We bought the nightstand Friday night in Tallahassee and then I went to Albany on Saturday to buy the mirror.  (We were in Albany the weekend before on a playdate at the RiverQuarium...which is a must see, and found the mirror when we went shopping afterwards and didn't buy it)  Sunday was a "chill day" at home and then Monday, we went with the church to Zoinks (indoor bounce houses) and she loved every minute.  Days like that is when I would give anything to be a stay at home Mom. 

Here are some pictures I have taken within the last few weeks.  I realized I never post pictures so here we go!

 Hamming it up at Mellow Mushroom...6/25/2011 (Mommy & Preslei date)

 May 19, 2011

 Preslei and Hayley at Mellow Mushroom...6/18/2011

 Helping Daddy drive the boat :o) 5/29/2011

Enjoying her first time on a boat! 5/29/2011

Tunes for Thursday

Hope you all enjoy as much as I do. It's such a reflection on my marriage. I love you honey.

Bring it

Round 3 of Clomid has officially started today.  I'm on 100mg this month.  Time will tell.....

I've had my little pity party and I'm ready to get this show on the road, again. The more I've thought about my struggles, and while yes, it is hard to deal with at times, I'm still so very blessed. God has already blessed our lives with the spunkiest and funniest 3 year old I could have ever dreamed of being a Mom to. I'm also beyond blessed that He chose me to walk down this path and to leave it up to Him because I have grown so much stronger in my faith and have learned to trust in Him.

I've been reading a lot of quotes lately (I like reading quotes & scriptures, they tend to make me see the positives) and I posted one yesterday on my Facebook that read, "You can't have testimony without a test". Wow. Then I posted this as my status today, "Prayer is not asking. Prayer is putting oneself in the hands of God, at His disposition, and listening to His voice in the depth of our hearts."— Mother Teresa. Another WOW.

As I sit here, typing what comes to mind, I am just so humbled and in awe of our God.  I will continue to praise Him thru this storm and every other storm that comes our way.  We as humans, have a tendency to want to drown ourselves in self pity and hey, I'll admit it, I do it quite often.  I think it's healthly actually.  But, you have to learn to pick yourself up off the ground, brush off the dust and get back with the program.  I've had a lot of emotional days lately, more than I would like to admit actually but here I sit, PRAISING my God for all the blessings he has bestowed upon me and my family.  No one said life was easy but if we all just stop for a moment, and focus on the positives instead of the negatives, you start to realize just how amazing He is. 

Dear Infertility.....bring it because I'm ready for you and I'm ready to fight the battle. 

Letting it out

To say I've been emotional lately is putting it mildly. I am trying SO hard to trust in Him and leave everything up to Him but man, it's hard! Why is getting pregnant so daggum easy for most people and takes an act of Congress for others?!?! What have I done in the life to be "punished" like this? God never promised us that life was easy, I know that. It's just hard. To say that I didn't get my hopes up for a 2nd round of Clomid baby is a lie. My hopes were high. I mean, if it happened that quickly the first time, why can't it happen that fast the second? I've already placed a call into Dana, Dr. M's nurse for another Rx of Clomid. When she and I spoke last month, she said they would increase the Rx from 50mg to 100mg if I didn't get pregnant. I just want to talk with her to see if there is anything else I could be doing or taking to increase the chance. Of course, here I am, sitting here thinking, "Okay, if they are going to increase me to 100mg, and then I'm not pregnant....something else going on and I'm not going to get pregnant". That's just the pessimist in me.  I think after not getting positive test results this month, I've learned my lesson about getting my hopes up.  Especially after the emotional breakdown in my family doctor's office.  Poor Mrs. Glinda....although it didn't help matters that when she was shoving the giant q-tip down my mouth, her sympathizing about not understanding why people like me, deserving people, have such a hard time getting pregnant and yet the ones that don't deserve babies, get pregnant just thinking about.  Bless her heart, I know she meant well but then having to come back in with the news I wasn't pregnant, I just lost it as I was walking out of the room.  She was so sweet God love her....she just gave me puppy eyes and handed me tissue.  It's the little things like that from people you don't expect that I will never forget.  It's like, that one look, that one compassionate look meant more to me than she will ever know. 

I know that all of this is making me stronger, I know.  It's just hard.  My two roads down infertility has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.  I'm just so thankful that I have found blogging because it really helps to have somewhere to "let it out"......

Until next time....

What I'm Loving Wednesday

So, this is the first time I've participated in "WILW" and hopefully it will make me focus on the positives in my life right now.

I LOVE that even though there was some MAJOR drama over the weekend (not between me and Keith), that my husband has shown me that Preslei and I come first in his life and he will always be there to support us and protect us.

I LOVE that Preslei looks oh-so CUTE in her little pink bikini. Even though I am not a fan of the beach, it is becoming one of my favorite places to be because of how much joy and excitement it brings Preslei.

I LOVE that Keith and I met some new friends this past weekend during Matt & Ashley's wedding festivities and that they are "Yankees" hahaha....even though I am a Southerner, I have a fascination for Northerners! (I really just love their accents and how strange they think they South is, LOL) Like, OH MY GAWD!!! ;o)

I LOVE all the support and kind words I hear from people that know about my infertility issues.  It is SO hard trying to pull yourself together after hearing "You're not pregnant" or seeing only one line on a pregnancy test, month after month, especially now that we are back on Clomid.

Bullet Points

• Disastrous weekend. 
• Sore throat. 
• Doctor appoinment this morning yielded two things:  I have strep throat and I'm not pregnant. 
• Complete emotional breakdown in the bathroom at the Dr. 
• It's my husband's 30th birthday today. 

This too shall pass........

 

C'mon now Blogger.....

Okay, what is with Blogger and my inability to comment on blogs lately? This is getting annoying.  Especially when you type out this whole comment and then it won't post.  Sheesh. 

**Side note, I'm still waiting to see if this month is "the month".  Part of me thinks "maybe, just maybe" and then the other part of me is thinking "it ain't gonna happen".  Only time will tell.  According to babycenter.com, I can take a test on June 10th.