Depending on the type of person you are, changes are either loved or hated. The older I get, I realize how much of a control freak I really am, so while I typically enjoy changes, they have to be on my terms or else I get all panicky. I just like to be aware of what's going to happen and not be caught off guard. Ok, ok...I'm rambling.......
So yeah, changes.....with the start of a new year, many people make resolutions and swear they are going to stick with them. I am not usually one that makes resolutions because I'm infamous of starting something and then not finishing it (hellooooo ADD. For real.).
I am vowing to be a better blogger. I want to write more. I enjoy writing. It's always been way I can release my thoughts. I know that I could be a better writer and make things flow better and whatnot but I want my blog to be more of a journal type. Something for me. I don't want to write for other people, just for me. If people read and they can relate or offer insight, wonderful. If no one reads, then I'll just have my collection of thoughts. I want to change the type of blogger I am. I think that it's "easy" to write only about the good things in life instead of all the bumps and bruises along the way. I don't want to sound like a debbie downer but my life is FAR from perfect. I want to be able to feel comfortable enough to post sad, mad, etc. blogs and not feel like I'm a failure. Growing up, my Dad instilled a lot of pride in me and is probably one of the reasons I tend to always put on that happy face because if not, you're admitting something is wrong and if you're wrong, then you're a failure at something. Screwed up way of thinking, I know but that's just me. So, I HOPE to write a lot more often and more openly than I have this past year. Starting now.
Last year, 2013, to be completely honest, was tough. I don't know if I'm going thru a mid-life crisis or what but my stress and anxiety levels are just too high. I've always been the type of person to put on that great big smiley face and pretend everything is hunky dory and that's because I have a huge tendency to put myself dead last on the priority scale. I know I have my list of priorities out of whack because the "correct" order should be: 1. God 2. Spouse 3. Kids and they're just not in that order. I used to be the type of girl that wouldn't think twice about taking time for myself and doing things to feel special and/or pampered. Keith has never been the type of man to spoil me, be romantic, etc. so I've always had the mindset that if I want something, I buy it or do it myself. Then kids happened. I so desperately wanted to become a Mom that I swore once I was, I'd never be the type of parent that went out on the weekends or did things without their kids. I always thought that your time should be focused on your kids and family, which is true to an extent. Now, people who are like that, I'm not bashing at all. What works for some people may not work for others. So, for almost 6 years, doing just that, putting my kid(s) at the top of the priority list, has allowed time for myself to fall dead last. Sure, there were a few weekends a YEAR that I would have a girls weekend or a "me" weekend but at the most, 3 or 4 times a YEAR. I have almost reached my breaking point. I never do selfish things for myself anymore. I used to be the girl who had their hair done religiously every 4-6 weeks....yeah, my hair hasn't been cut or colored since August. I start feeling guilty about spending money on myself when I could be spending it on my kids or on things for the house that we "need". I always seem to justify how I don't need to spend the money. I don't think I fully realized it until Keith came home a month or so ago with a new rifle. The first thing he said was, "Don't get mad but I bought a new rifle." Let me preface this by saying we live on a very tight budget. We are somewhat paycheck to paycheck people, with a little wiggle room. So, you can imagine my thoughts when he hadn't even discussed a big purchase like that with me. So the light bulb went off. If he feels that it's okay to splurge on things like that without so much as to even talk to me about it, why should I feel guilty about having my hair or nails done, or taking a weekend and going to Atlanta, my "second home", to visit Brian or just have that uninterrupted "me" time? Why do I feel guilty?!?! So, this year, I'm VOWING to learn to make myself a priority and to focus on doing things that make me happy. Sure, my children make me happy but with Preslei's new sassy mouth and eye rolling and Annalise going 90 to nothing from sun up to sun down takes a HUGE toll on me. I need to learn to find "Amanda" again. I have to. I need to.
Here comes the hard part. My marriage. It's been pure hell the last several months. We fight and argue constantly. It is rare that he helps with the girls. I am jealous of the fact that he can just up and leave the house to do the things he wants to do without any regard as to what or where the kids will be because it's a given that they're with me. I'm tired of feeling like all the stress and burdens are on me and he hasn't a care in the world. I'm tired of him never being at home. I'm tired of him not wanting to do things together as a family. I'm tired of feeling like nothing I ever do is good enough. I'm just tired. Some people may say "well that's just a man". Bullshit. I'm tired of that excuse. I'm a FIRM believer that if the Mom/Wife doesn't work then her job and responsibility is taking care of the family. Well, I work. I work my ASS off and it's not fair that I take on most all the responsibilities. My biggest issue is I don't want my girls growing up thinking that arguing and fighting is normal. Like I told Keith, I will 100% accept and realize my faults but I don't instigate things. I don't keep on and on and on even after being repeatedly asked to hush. Point blank.....I'm not happy. Something HAS to change or I truly think we'll end up another statistic. Of course I don't want that but I'm not one of those people that refuses to let go. Keith and I had a long talk a week or so ago that involved lots of tears shed but it was a good talk. It was much needed. All we can do is take it day by day. I told him the three reasons I stay are 1. I do love him 2. the girls and 3. financial reasons. Sometimes I think of how young he and I were when we started dating. We were babies. We aren't the same people anymore. I feel like he could care less about the things I enjoy and would rather just go do his own thing. We've always been the type of husband/wife that we each do our own thing and meet in the middle. That's just not normal. I want more than that. He should want more than that. He asked me the other night if I was in love with him.....and I'm not. But like I told him, I wonder if anyone that has been together for as long as we have, still have that "in love" feeling. I honestly don't know if that still exists. I absolutely do love him but I don't have those little "oh I just ADORE this man!!" feelings. Even though there are those negatives about him, he does have a good heart. He will help anyone that needs it (which sometimes drives me nuts b/c he lets things I need done around the house get pushed to the back burner), he adores me and his kids, he cooks almost every night and is a hard worker. I just want more. I want "normal" and "perfect". How do you get that? and trust me, I have busted my ass over the year changing from the person I was to who I am now. There are always things people do that you're not proud of but I guess that's part of life and growing up. When Keith asked me if I was happy, I said no but that I don't know what would make me happy or why I'm not happy. I told him that for starters, I HAVE to learn to make myself a priority and not become SO "lost" in being "Preslei & Annalise's Mom" and he agreed but I also have to learn to make "us" a priority. So, we're a work in progress. We are going on a date Saturday to try and enjoy and focus on each other. I hope it will do us some good. I really hope we don't end up arguing over stupid stuff because it's rare we are ever around each other and we aren't arguing. One can only hope and try! Do I know what's going to happen down the road? Nope.....and that's okay; my anxiety is okay that I don't know what the outcome will be.
I'm a little in shock at the fact I just completely put my business out there for everyone to read. My intent is not to "air my dirty laundry" but to show that not everything is sunshine and rainbows. Life is hard. Marriage is hard. Kids are hard. You just have to be strong enough to weather the storm however rough and challenging it may be. Because after every storm is a rainbow.
So, there it is. Changes. Will these be easy or difficult for me? Who knows but as Sam Cooke sings, "A change is gonna come".
So bring it on 2014.
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